today is the first day...

this blog, as well as trying to track my weight (still 87.1 last time i weighted myself before paris) is going to also have to be my happiness project type blog - because i really got to do it NOW. i've really been struggling, but didn't realise that my not coping was impacting my work so badly...so badly that it's pretty much been a warning. so i need to take these few days off to really sort my self out = and where better than to start with the lovely gretchen's happiness project tips - so here we go...

1. Remind yourself, “It could be worse.”
yes it could - i have a lovely daughter to share my life with no matter what happens with my fiance

2. Remember your body.
i look forward to getting to the gym tomoro, then hoping to get a pedicure and a facial

3, for some reason there is no three on her list...
so my number 3 could be - keep crafting!

4. Do something fun.
well i went to a knitroast today and then watch the big lebowski.
for tomoro - see number 2 above!


5. Take action.
guess that is kinda what i'm doing by putting this all down...

6. Look for meaning.
i really don't see anything that would be positive out of the problems with the fiance or the job - other than maybe trying this relationship therapy will help me be a better all round person?

7. Spend time with friends and family.
i'm bad about being alone...so tomoro will try and see friends to help snap me out of this. also today i realised that a knitroast friend is a very close neighbour so i am hoping to be able to spend more time with her as we have many of the same interests and go to alot of the same places already.

8. Make something better.
as well as all the pampering the next couple of days - i'm going to try to get round to some paperwork that needs doing and also invest in a new shredder that even shreds dvd's!

9. Act toward other people the way you wish they’d act toward you.
this is something i really need to work on. with the fiance - all i can think to do is keep telling him that i love him and miss him. at the office though it will be hard - i have a lot to sort out with people that i've not been treating very well. so that has to start on wednesday (my birthday) when i'm back in...and in the meantime i'm going to take alot of stuff to charity shops to make room to de-clutter.

stop...in the name of love

this has to stop.
i'm eating myself to death...ugh!
because of the art project i weighed myself and am 87.1 kilos!
which means i've gained ALOT since all this has started going on with the fiance.
so today's menu is coffee with soya milk, and tofu and salad for lunch and dinner...well fingers crossed as am meeting up with my friend luckygirl13 for lunch as she's over here visiting from dublin.

still not talked to the fiance.
don't know if this is finally it or not.

ugh.

i really don't know if i can take much more...

food glorious food

i've gone from hardly eating anything at - first from stress then from tummy fluey something, but now i'm feeling the urge to stress eat from depression and anxiety and fear...so i've tried to figure out my 'safe' food - something that i've worked on previously with hypnosos - only then i still at fish all the time so it was a fishy safe food, and now with the yucky belly i've not been very adventurous - and chosen rice. yup, rice. rice made with vegan broth so at least it has a bit of taste...

made some last night and plan to keep some always on the hob so if i feel like binging at least it'll be there...altho this may all be quite moot as i'm going to be taking part in my friend/colleague anders latest art project by charting my weight for 13 days onto a music scale and then having it played by an orchestra and turned into a cellphone ringtone!

so last big meal tonight - as tis english mothers day and my daughter is coming over to make me a big thai dinner when she is finished filming today...

still so bad again.

another week, another weekend...and another relationship session that seems to have made everything worse. he just seems to take what he wants from the therapy and hell with my feelings but somehow he's feeling justified by the discussions. i don't get it...it's so bad again that he's said that he doesn't want to be with me - and this is after both the therapist and my fiance assured me in the session today that it's not futile because we really want to sort things out and be together.

i really cannot handle this amount of stress...my head is exploding!

on my own

went to my first private reltionship session last night and the therapist asked me if i thought it helped and i had to say NO because i don't really think that i got anything out of it at all...she did point out though that when 'm at the couples sessions that i'm very emotional, but when i'm alone i'm very different and detached - interesting but i have no idea what that means...

missing

missing work again today...
my stomach cramps are still here and i'm still not holding food in very well.
which probably means that no prozac has been absorbed for days either...

i'm also missing the funeral. i regretted it as soon as i knew i wasn't going to make it.
i am actually amazed at how emotional i am about it, how much it has dragged up...we broke up properly back in 1995, back when it seemed that i could change my situation without downtime - its all catching up with me now though. so glad i've got a relate session booked for myself tomoro night as i really really don't want this to impact on the current situation with the fiance.

hoping i feel well enough to drag myself to the sauna today and sweat it all out and have a good cry.

divorced but not forgotten

i finally talked to my ex-sister-in-law this evening. she'd texted me during the day but i thought it best to talk this evening once i got home and settled. until this morning she'd had no way to get in touch with me properly as the landline was changed ages ago when i moved from virgin to sky.

so now i really want/need to get to cornwall on wednesday...
know i don't do funerals - and the only one i've done since i've made the rule was for my best friend. feel as though i should go to my ex-husband's service though.

it is the ultimate closure for me and i'd like to be there for his sister that was always so lovely to me. i'd also like to be there in person to ask more questions...he had the perfect life for himself - surfin'

but damn how far away is cornwall> tis no sense to how long it takes to get somewhere in this tiny little country!

and there's only one flight a day out of stanstead...
the only thing that i can figure is fly out early early wednesday morning and then get the last train back into london. so get a 6am flight and a 5pm train back - which doesn't get into paddington til almost midnight.

6 hours on a train, an hour or so flying plus check in and the time it takes to get to stanstead (its the opposite way makes no sense!!!)

this is the first time that i really wished that i still drove, had a car, and could just take off after my doc appointment tomoro night and stay somewhere on the way or something...ugh!

and i just found out the service is at 3:30pm so don't even think i can do it...

the alternative is to go back with his sister in the summer for a nice trip and to spread his ashes.

friday the 13th

i just found out via facebook that my ex husband billy matrix passed away...

the first rule of book club...

ugh
so i spent my lunch hour in the dovetail belgian bar reading the self help book the therapist told me to get and i'm finding it sooooo darn condescending that its annoying me.

tuesday was bluesday

o gosh.
i really am starting to feel that relationship therapy is the truly the work of satan sent to test couples even more. imagine it must be bad enough going into therapy for yourself but having to sit there as a couple and not only deal with your own stuff but the other person's really is turning into hell. we are now worse off than before we went last saturday morning! tis because the fiance is focussing on the only thing thing the therapist said to me = regarding my self esteem and that if it wasn't so low (well i would say non existent) that i'd not have stood for the fiance being withdrawn/confusing and left it to him to sort out alone.

he is taking this as i am only with him because i have low self esteem.
not that i love him and fight for this relationship to work out - that i want to move on and have it nice again.
i really don't know what to do and last night was at one of my lowest points ever, again. luckily i have my new bestest knitroast buddy to get me through it now, just unfortunately she wasnt out on a date in my area so i could go intrude. so i pulled myself out of it with double prozac, painkillers, a nice vegan raspberry cider and time spent sprucing up my cv.

i really need a showreel.

but i also need to get through this...
will go back to the session on saturday to try and make sense of the destruction the first session made
and then sign myself up for lonely one on one sessions with the lovely therapist.
did i mention she is russian and wears big black leather biker boots with silky floral dresses and matt black tights?
i could never go to a therapist i din't like how she dressed.

and the russian accent really works.
my best hypnotherapist had in irish accent.
and plays harp and is an x-opera singer.
i need pretty to help me. ugly will just make it worse!

snoozy...

so tired tonight.
but walked bak and forth to work, as well as to the postbox at lunch and then the gym!

the information from the community mental came through and there seems to be a good little workbook/pamphlet about anxiety that i'll look at in more detail later on.

but first i want to do some yoga tummy exercises.
the gym has all new equipment and the new stomach machines have big heavy straps that are too long AND hurt my bosoms!

a day for me...

got up early and went to the gym, then off to mexican food lunch with my daughter and the girls. was nice just hangin' out in covent garden doing absolutely nothing.
(but chips and salsa)

i ordered the book that the counsellor told me would be good and got it first class so it should arrive tuesday. also got the skinny bitch vegan cookbook as i'm trying to be more healthy and change my ways...get away from all the tofu take aways i am living on now i'm on my own.

so we went.

and i really think i need to start logging things better.
but not in some wierd bridget jones kinda way, just somewhere to put thoughts down and track how this relationship therapy stuff goes...

...mostly because i'm not really sure how it went today.
80% of the session seemed to be about the fiance and being layed off and how he's dealing with it, but then the last 10 minutes was about me and the way i had dealt with him withdrawing from me...of course she pinpointed that i must have really low self esteem (not that that was a surprise) as anyone else would probably have just got on with their lives.

unfortunately afterwards and over very expensive martinis at the long bar, the fiance took offence to this. i really don't know how he is angry with me for what our therapist says in the session, but he also got a bit pissed off that i'd brought up stuff that i'd not discussed with him beforehand. not that i'm not allowed to - he was just surprised.

so i tried to talk to him about how the longer this goes on the more detached and independent i feel...and he took it as blackmail. i really really really can't win right now while he's in such a mood. just hopefully gettin more freelance work will help. because nothing i try to do is...

ugh!

so of course the community mental phone me up to make an assessment appointment and the 2nd question they ask (after do i read english) is if i'm in any other therapy. so i tell them that we are starting relationship therapy with relate tomoro and the community mental tell me then they can't help me as i'm already speaking to someone. ugh!!!

they told me to go back to my doc for another referral when i'm finished with relationship counselling. i told them that was the reason i needed it as i'm anxious because of my partner being layed off and so on and when that is sorted it will be too late. nurse said sorry and is sendin me some pamphlets.
like i couldn't find out all the same crap on the interweb.