tuesday was bluesday

o gosh.
i really am starting to feel that relationship therapy is the truly the work of satan sent to test couples even more. imagine it must be bad enough going into therapy for yourself but having to sit there as a couple and not only deal with your own stuff but the other person's really is turning into hell. we are now worse off than before we went last saturday morning! tis because the fiance is focussing on the only thing thing the therapist said to me = regarding my self esteem and that if it wasn't so low (well i would say non existent) that i'd not have stood for the fiance being withdrawn/confusing and left it to him to sort out alone.

he is taking this as i am only with him because i have low self esteem.
not that i love him and fight for this relationship to work out - that i want to move on and have it nice again.
i really don't know what to do and last night was at one of my lowest points ever, again. luckily i have my new bestest knitroast buddy to get me through it now, just unfortunately she wasnt out on a date in my area so i could go intrude. so i pulled myself out of it with double prozac, painkillers, a nice vegan raspberry cider and time spent sprucing up my cv.

i really need a showreel.

but i also need to get through this...
will go back to the session on saturday to try and make sense of the destruction the first session made
and then sign myself up for lonely one on one sessions with the lovely therapist.
did i mention she is russian and wears big black leather biker boots with silky floral dresses and matt black tights?
i could never go to a therapist i din't like how she dressed.

and the russian accent really works.
my best hypnotherapist had in irish accent.
and plays harp and is an x-opera singer.
i need pretty to help me. ugly will just make it worse!

so we went.

and i really think i need to start logging things better.
but not in some wierd bridget jones kinda way, just somewhere to put thoughts down and track how this relationship therapy stuff goes...

...mostly because i'm not really sure how it went today.
80% of the session seemed to be about the fiance and being layed off and how he's dealing with it, but then the last 10 minutes was about me and the way i had dealt with him withdrawing from me...of course she pinpointed that i must have really low self esteem (not that that was a surprise) as anyone else would probably have just got on with their lives.

unfortunately afterwards and over very expensive martinis at the long bar, the fiance took offence to this. i really don't know how he is angry with me for what our therapist says in the session, but he also got a bit pissed off that i'd brought up stuff that i'd not discussed with him beforehand. not that i'm not allowed to - he was just surprised.

so i tried to talk to him about how the longer this goes on the more detached and independent i feel...and he took it as blackmail. i really really really can't win right now while he's in such a mood. just hopefully gettin more freelance work will help. because nothing i try to do is...