april goo...

finally seem to be getting my first post-depo (birth control shot) period. and it doesn't feel right or like any of the other periods i've ever had...for one thing this bleeding is dark dark almost black, and chunky like a chocolate brownie. but with cramps that are alot less painful than any i've ever had in my life, ever. strange. so maybe it is my time...my little sister is 3 years younger and already complaining of menopausal symptoms - so guess it should be happening to me too as well? not sure how this works with siblings - but my daughter just came round and she was on her period too so that means we must have synched when we stayed together in paris last week.

o paris...i so miss it already! can't wait to go back. but i also want to do a tour of bakc home to see everyone - i'm gettin really soppy and homesick in my old age. yes. old age. my birthday came and went. celebrated it with new work friends and soho family. was really nice and small and chilled. then, went to dinner with the fiance...who things are still up and down with...altho at least now when things are down we are at least still communicating so i don't feel so lost.

so time i would usually spend with him, i am filling with as many things as possible - spent ages at the gym today working out to my new routine - my weights still going up and down, fluctuating a couple kilos a day...probably something to do with the period stuff.

also still using my time to craft, and made a really cute 12 pointed star out of sock wool this week. i've also joined a stitcher's book club and have downloaded an audio book to listen to while i crochet...am really looking forward to going to be early tonight so i can listen to it. the book we are doing is 'water for elephants'.

and of course housework is taking up the usual hours!
dishes, bills, and laundry - the sunday mantra...

stop...in the name of love

this has to stop.
i'm eating myself to death...ugh!
because of the art project i weighed myself and am 87.1 kilos!
which means i've gained ALOT since all this has started going on with the fiance.
so today's menu is coffee with soya milk, and tofu and salad for lunch and dinner...well fingers crossed as am meeting up with my friend luckygirl13 for lunch as she's over here visiting from dublin.

still not talked to the fiance.
don't know if this is finally it or not.

still so bad again.

another week, another weekend...and another relationship session that seems to have made everything worse. he just seems to take what he wants from the therapy and hell with my feelings but somehow he's feeling justified by the discussions. i don't get it...it's so bad again that he's said that he doesn't want to be with me - and this is after both the therapist and my fiance assured me in the session today that it's not futile because we really want to sort things out and be together.

i really cannot handle this amount of stress...my head is exploding!

so we went.

and i really think i need to start logging things better.
but not in some wierd bridget jones kinda way, just somewhere to put thoughts down and track how this relationship therapy stuff goes...

...mostly because i'm not really sure how it went today.
80% of the session seemed to be about the fiance and being layed off and how he's dealing with it, but then the last 10 minutes was about me and the way i had dealt with him withdrawing from me...of course she pinpointed that i must have really low self esteem (not that that was a surprise) as anyone else would probably have just got on with their lives.

unfortunately afterwards and over very expensive martinis at the long bar, the fiance took offence to this. i really don't know how he is angry with me for what our therapist says in the session, but he also got a bit pissed off that i'd brought up stuff that i'd not discussed with him beforehand. not that i'm not allowed to - he was just surprised.

so i tried to talk to him about how the longer this goes on the more detached and independent i feel...and he took it as blackmail. i really really really can't win right now while he's in such a mood. just hopefully gettin more freelance work will help. because nothing i try to do is...

well i've never done it before...

but i finally asked for some help to deal with the fiance situation.
the more he withdraws from me the more anxious i get...so i went to the doctor for some prozac and someone to talk with. i'd expected just a photocopied sheet of paper of groups or something that i'd probably not be able to go to anyway because they all happen during the workday
(evidently only people without jobs go whacko...)

but my doctor really came through this time and referred me to the community mental health nurse for a few sessions to help figure out who i can go talk with.

phew, now i just have to wait for them to get back to me!

24 years ago today i had a fresh c-section scar!

i can't say that it has all been happy days again this week. my life is still so up/down that i don't know what to do about it anymore...so just sitting tight and waiting it out, but it's so hard knowing that the fiance is having such a hard time and his way of dealing with it is to withdraw away.

but, tonight is my daughter's 24th birthday so i'm sure there will be lots of celebrating...also because she's just moving into her new studio flat today! so birthday and housewarming.

her new flat is down shoreditch, so not too far from where i work or hang out.

so today i'm really torn, as its my daughter's birthday and we definitely want to celebrate (can't wait for some cupcake goodness) but my fiance is also my life and my best friend and everything else and we've shared everything 100% so its sooo hard to do anything without him there.

o dear please don't read that as some weird whatever condition where you go psycho for the other person! i just love him to bits, that is all.

okay, enough of cherie sharing time today - i've got new lovely mirrored furniture for one of the bedrooms being delivered today so think i'll also buy myself a new glass lamp. ironic though as i'd bought this furniture for the spare room so isis would have somewhere to store her things, and it gets delivered the day she moves out into her own new flat (that's already furnished). so maybe i'll just put it in my room for now to try and cheer myself up!

o o o good news!!! my friend lucy just txt'd and she had her little baby on the 5th. he's such a cutie. sounds like it was a horrid 72 hour labour so hope she is okay...i better get crocheting.

its hitting here now.

that was surreal for sure...

the fiance's job thing is bad (but i think its for the best) and he's officially out looking now - so if anyone has any digi-wigi-doo-dah head of production type jobs please let us know!

and as well as losing his job his house was also broken into the same day, they say bad luck comes in threes so i think that is it for him for awhile.

well, fingers crossed!

milan

off to milan with the italian fiance on wednesday!

really wanted to see a band here in london called the black keys, but it was sold out so heading to milan to see them, and get tattooed by marco that did my red lotus flower when i was over in ibiza for the closing parties.

still not booked my xmas flights as waiting on work to sign off my vacation form. am worried if they do not do it soon that i'll not be able to afford the flights! latest plan is to fly into L.A. where the kid is currently living/working and then maybe road trip from there.

well, fingers crossed...