unhappiness project

i am so drained...just feeling empty.
this evening's solo relationship therapy session was harrowing...the fiance didn't make it as he's busy working and also thinks he pretty much knows everything i'm going to say - yes, he might but i need somewhere like that to discuss things.

instead i did that alone, and i'm sitting at home alone.
and i hate alone.

my weight has pretty much stabilised.
hardly any appetite at all.
luckily no cramps today.

and i so want to be happy but just wonder - when is it okay to be unhappy?
(sorry gretchen!)

still so bad again.

another week, another weekend...and another relationship session that seems to have made everything worse. he just seems to take what he wants from the therapy and hell with my feelings but somehow he's feeling justified by the discussions. i don't get it...it's so bad again that he's said that he doesn't want to be with me - and this is after both the therapist and my fiance assured me in the session today that it's not futile because we really want to sort things out and be together.

i really cannot handle this amount of stress...my head is exploding!

ugh!

so of course the community mental phone me up to make an assessment appointment and the 2nd question they ask (after do i read english) is if i'm in any other therapy. so i tell them that we are starting relationship therapy with relate tomoro and the community mental tell me then they can't help me as i'm already speaking to someone. ugh!!!

they told me to go back to my doc for another referral when i'm finished with relationship counselling. i told them that was the reason i needed it as i'm anxious because of my partner being layed off and so on and when that is sorted it will be too late. nurse said sorry and is sendin me some pamphlets.
like i couldn't find out all the same crap on the interweb.

bookings...

tattoos and relationship therapy, but not at the same time.

still waiting...

well its been a few days and not heard anything from the community mental, so am going to call my work insurance company and see if they will cover outpatient therapy. the booklet says they cover inpatient - as much as i'd like the vacation i don't think that is really what i need right now though. so will call then see if the doc will refer me private. love the nhs but sometimes there are just too many hoops to have to jump through!

am also looking at the relate website alot too, the fiance has mentioned that he thinks we should go to counselling to try and get through this together. i've found someone close by my house that has saturday as well as evening appointments so will see about getting a session with her. have also looked at all the books that are on their site to buy but i'm not at work for a few days so will order them when i can get them delivered...and fingers crossed next week i might not be needing the books anyway!