today is the first day...

this blog, as well as trying to track my weight (still 87.1 last time i weighted myself before paris) is going to also have to be my happiness project type blog - because i really got to do it NOW. i've really been struggling, but didn't realise that my not coping was impacting my work so badly...so badly that it's pretty much been a warning. so i need to take these few days off to really sort my self out = and where better than to start with the lovely gretchen's happiness project tips - so here we go...

1. Remind yourself, “It could be worse.”
yes it could - i have a lovely daughter to share my life with no matter what happens with my fiance

2. Remember your body.
i look forward to getting to the gym tomoro, then hoping to get a pedicure and a facial

3, for some reason there is no three on her list...
so my number 3 could be - keep crafting!

4. Do something fun.
well i went to a knitroast today and then watch the big lebowski.
for tomoro - see number 2 above!


5. Take action.
guess that is kinda what i'm doing by putting this all down...

6. Look for meaning.
i really don't see anything that would be positive out of the problems with the fiance or the job - other than maybe trying this relationship therapy will help me be a better all round person?

7. Spend time with friends and family.
i'm bad about being alone...so tomoro will try and see friends to help snap me out of this. also today i realised that a knitroast friend is a very close neighbour so i am hoping to be able to spend more time with her as we have many of the same interests and go to alot of the same places already.

8. Make something better.
as well as all the pampering the next couple of days - i'm going to try to get round to some paperwork that needs doing and also invest in a new shredder that even shreds dvd's!

9. Act toward other people the way you wish they’d act toward you.
this is something i really need to work on. with the fiance - all i can think to do is keep telling him that i love him and miss him. at the office though it will be hard - i have a lot to sort out with people that i've not been treating very well. so that has to start on wednesday (my birthday) when i'm back in...and in the meantime i'm going to take alot of stuff to charity shops to make room to de-clutter.

tuesday was bluesday

o gosh.
i really am starting to feel that relationship therapy is the truly the work of satan sent to test couples even more. imagine it must be bad enough going into therapy for yourself but having to sit there as a couple and not only deal with your own stuff but the other person's really is turning into hell. we are now worse off than before we went last saturday morning! tis because the fiance is focussing on the only thing thing the therapist said to me = regarding my self esteem and that if it wasn't so low (well i would say non existent) that i'd not have stood for the fiance being withdrawn/confusing and left it to him to sort out alone.

he is taking this as i am only with him because i have low self esteem.
not that i love him and fight for this relationship to work out - that i want to move on and have it nice again.
i really don't know what to do and last night was at one of my lowest points ever, again. luckily i have my new bestest knitroast buddy to get me through it now, just unfortunately she wasnt out on a date in my area so i could go intrude. so i pulled myself out of it with double prozac, painkillers, a nice vegan raspberry cider and time spent sprucing up my cv.

i really need a showreel.

but i also need to get through this...
will go back to the session on saturday to try and make sense of the destruction the first session made
and then sign myself up for lonely one on one sessions with the lovely therapist.
did i mention she is russian and wears big black leather biker boots with silky floral dresses and matt black tights?
i could never go to a therapist i din't like how she dressed.

and the russian accent really works.
my best hypnotherapist had in irish accent.
and plays harp and is an x-opera singer.
i need pretty to help me. ugly will just make it worse!