on your marks...

i want to start a beauty blog but cn't think of a name for it

i'm always trying to find people to write about the tx that i'm always getting so have decided just to do it myself.

also think i need a bit of housekeeping on all my web id's...watch this space!

fucking god damn fuck

i know i'm trying to watch my language but god damn it.
my new loverboy blondie and i are trying to get married and to even get an appointment it is ?60 and you have to both bring passports...which not everyone has...like him, as he's English! so other form of acceptable ID? driver's license...but neither of us fucking drive! not everyone drives. Stupid Stupid Stupid!

so i need to clear my flat...FAST

i will be listing stuff that i am going to be giving away free on this blog as well as over at snaffle!

watch these spaces...

well that didn't take long...

and he has masters of the universe pillow cases!

i think this blog is going to go quiet for awhile - i might even just delete it.

unhappiness project

i am so drained...just feeling empty.
this evening's solo relationship therapy session was harrowing...the fiance didn't make it as he's busy working and also thinks he pretty much knows everything i'm going to say - yes, he might but i need somewhere like that to discuss things.

instead i did that alone, and i'm sitting at home alone.
and i hate alone.

my weight has pretty much stabilised.
hardly any appetite at all.
luckily no cramps today.

and i so want to be happy but just wonder - when is it okay to be unhappy?
(sorry gretchen!)

eating

back down to 87.3 kilos - but means i have not met my target of a kilo a week for the last two weeks. ok - some of it may be down to getting my neck lipo'd and not able to work out for a week or so, but still - i wanted to look good for when the scandos arrive on bank holiday weekend! and also i know i've probaby been nervous eating...waiting for my mother's biopsy results to come through tomoro.

so am sending as many good vibes and prayers as possible to her tonight.
she must be soo stressed waiting.

everything so up and down

my weight/my life

i gained over a kilo yesterday but lost it again today...strange!

things with the fiance still the same too - but we are going to hang out on good friday and talk and stuff...i'd like to make a nice meal but not sure what to cook...any suggestions?

april goo...

finally seem to be getting my first post-depo (birth control shot) period. and it doesn't feel right or like any of the other periods i've ever had...for one thing this bleeding is dark dark almost black, and chunky like a chocolate brownie. but with cramps that are alot less painful than any i've ever had in my life, ever. strange. so maybe it is my time...my little sister is 3 years younger and already complaining of menopausal symptoms - so guess it should be happening to me too as well? not sure how this works with siblings - but my daughter just came round and she was on her period too so that means we must have synched when we stayed together in paris last week.

o paris...i so miss it already! can't wait to go back. but i also want to do a tour of bakc home to see everyone - i'm gettin really soppy and homesick in my old age. yes. old age. my birthday came and went. celebrated it with new work friends and soho family. was really nice and small and chilled. then, went to dinner with the fiance...who things are still up and down with...altho at least now when things are down we are at least still communicating so i don't feel so lost.

so time i would usually spend with him, i am filling with as many things as possible - spent ages at the gym today working out to my new routine - my weights still going up and down, fluctuating a couple kilos a day...probably something to do with the period stuff.

also still using my time to craft, and made a really cute 12 pointed star out of sock wool this week. i've also joined a stitcher's book club and have downloaded an audio book to listen to while i crochet...am really looking forward to going to be early tonight so i can listen to it. the book we are doing is 'water for elephants'.

and of course housework is taking up the usual hours!
dishes, bills, and laundry - the sunday mantra...

today is the first day...

this blog, as well as trying to track my weight (still 87.1 last time i weighted myself before paris) is going to also have to be my happiness project type blog - because i really got to do it NOW. i've really been struggling, but didn't realise that my not coping was impacting my work so badly...so badly that it's pretty much been a warning. so i need to take these few days off to really sort my self out = and where better than to start with the lovely gretchen's happiness project tips - so here we go...

1. Remind yourself, “It could be worse.”
yes it could - i have a lovely daughter to share my life with no matter what happens with my fiance

2. Remember your body.
i look forward to getting to the gym tomoro, then hoping to get a pedicure and a facial

3, for some reason there is no three on her list...
so my number 3 could be - keep crafting!

4. Do something fun.
well i went to a knitroast today and then watch the big lebowski.
for tomoro - see number 2 above!


5. Take action.
guess that is kinda what i'm doing by putting this all down...

6. Look for meaning.
i really don't see anything that would be positive out of the problems with the fiance or the job - other than maybe trying this relationship therapy will help me be a better all round person?

7. Spend time with friends and family.
i'm bad about being alone...so tomoro will try and see friends to help snap me out of this. also today i realised that a knitroast friend is a very close neighbour so i am hoping to be able to spend more time with her as we have many of the same interests and go to alot of the same places already.

8. Make something better.
as well as all the pampering the next couple of days - i'm going to try to get round to some paperwork that needs doing and also invest in a new shredder that even shreds dvd's!

9. Act toward other people the way you wish they’d act toward you.
this is something i really need to work on. with the fiance - all i can think to do is keep telling him that i love him and miss him. at the office though it will be hard - i have a lot to sort out with people that i've not been treating very well. so that has to start on wednesday (my birthday) when i'm back in...and in the meantime i'm going to take alot of stuff to charity shops to make room to de-clutter.

stop...in the name of love

this has to stop.
i'm eating myself to death...ugh!
because of the art project i weighed myself and am 87.1 kilos!
which means i've gained ALOT since all this has started going on with the fiance.
so today's menu is coffee with soya milk, and tofu and salad for lunch and dinner...well fingers crossed as am meeting up with my friend luckygirl13 for lunch as she's over here visiting from dublin.

still not talked to the fiance.
don't know if this is finally it or not.

ugh.

i really don't know if i can take much more...

food glorious food

i've gone from hardly eating anything at - first from stress then from tummy fluey something, but now i'm feeling the urge to stress eat from depression and anxiety and fear...so i've tried to figure out my 'safe' food - something that i've worked on previously with hypnosos - only then i still at fish all the time so it was a fishy safe food, and now with the yucky belly i've not been very adventurous - and chosen rice. yup, rice. rice made with vegan broth so at least it has a bit of taste...

made some last night and plan to keep some always on the hob so if i feel like binging at least it'll be there...altho this may all be quite moot as i'm going to be taking part in my friend/colleague anders latest art project by charting my weight for 13 days onto a music scale and then having it played by an orchestra and turned into a cellphone ringtone!

so last big meal tonight - as tis english mothers day and my daughter is coming over to make me a big thai dinner when she is finished filming today...

still so bad again.

another week, another weekend...and another relationship session that seems to have made everything worse. he just seems to take what he wants from the therapy and hell with my feelings but somehow he's feeling justified by the discussions. i don't get it...it's so bad again that he's said that he doesn't want to be with me - and this is after both the therapist and my fiance assured me in the session today that it's not futile because we really want to sort things out and be together.

i really cannot handle this amount of stress...my head is exploding!

on my own

went to my first private reltionship session last night and the therapist asked me if i thought it helped and i had to say NO because i don't really think that i got anything out of it at all...she did point out though that when 'm at the couples sessions that i'm very emotional, but when i'm alone i'm very different and detached - interesting but i have no idea what that means...

missing

missing work again today...
my stomach cramps are still here and i'm still not holding food in very well.
which probably means that no prozac has been absorbed for days either...

i'm also missing the funeral. i regretted it as soon as i knew i wasn't going to make it.
i am actually amazed at how emotional i am about it, how much it has dragged up...we broke up properly back in 1995, back when it seemed that i could change my situation without downtime - its all catching up with me now though. so glad i've got a relate session booked for myself tomoro night as i really really don't want this to impact on the current situation with the fiance.

hoping i feel well enough to drag myself to the sauna today and sweat it all out and have a good cry.

divorced but not forgotten

i finally talked to my ex-sister-in-law this evening. she'd texted me during the day but i thought it best to talk this evening once i got home and settled. until this morning she'd had no way to get in touch with me properly as the landline was changed ages ago when i moved from virgin to sky.

so now i really want/need to get to cornwall on wednesday...
know i don't do funerals - and the only one i've done since i've made the rule was for my best friend. feel as though i should go to my ex-husband's service though.

it is the ultimate closure for me and i'd like to be there for his sister that was always so lovely to me. i'd also like to be there in person to ask more questions...he had the perfect life for himself - surfin'

but damn how far away is cornwall> tis no sense to how long it takes to get somewhere in this tiny little country!

and there's only one flight a day out of stanstead...
the only thing that i can figure is fly out early early wednesday morning and then get the last train back into london. so get a 6am flight and a 5pm train back - which doesn't get into paddington til almost midnight.

6 hours on a train, an hour or so flying plus check in and the time it takes to get to stanstead (its the opposite way makes no sense!!!)

this is the first time that i really wished that i still drove, had a car, and could just take off after my doc appointment tomoro night and stay somewhere on the way or something...ugh!

and i just found out the service is at 3:30pm so don't even think i can do it...

the alternative is to go back with his sister in the summer for a nice trip and to spread his ashes.

friday the 13th

i just found out via facebook that my ex husband billy matrix passed away...

the first rule of book club...

ugh
so i spent my lunch hour in the dovetail belgian bar reading the self help book the therapist told me to get and i'm finding it sooooo darn condescending that its annoying me.

tuesday was bluesday

o gosh.
i really am starting to feel that relationship therapy is the truly the work of satan sent to test couples even more. imagine it must be bad enough going into therapy for yourself but having to sit there as a couple and not only deal with your own stuff but the other person's really is turning into hell. we are now worse off than before we went last saturday morning! tis because the fiance is focussing on the only thing thing the therapist said to me = regarding my self esteem and that if it wasn't so low (well i would say non existent) that i'd not have stood for the fiance being withdrawn/confusing and left it to him to sort out alone.

he is taking this as i am only with him because i have low self esteem.
not that i love him and fight for this relationship to work out - that i want to move on and have it nice again.
i really don't know what to do and last night was at one of my lowest points ever, again. luckily i have my new bestest knitroast buddy to get me through it now, just unfortunately she wasnt out on a date in my area so i could go intrude. so i pulled myself out of it with double prozac, painkillers, a nice vegan raspberry cider and time spent sprucing up my cv.

i really need a showreel.

but i also need to get through this...
will go back to the session on saturday to try and make sense of the destruction the first session made
and then sign myself up for lonely one on one sessions with the lovely therapist.
did i mention she is russian and wears big black leather biker boots with silky floral dresses and matt black tights?
i could never go to a therapist i din't like how she dressed.

and the russian accent really works.
my best hypnotherapist had in irish accent.
and plays harp and is an x-opera singer.
i need pretty to help me. ugly will just make it worse!

snoozy...

so tired tonight.
but walked bak and forth to work, as well as to the postbox at lunch and then the gym!

the information from the community mental came through and there seems to be a good little workbook/pamphlet about anxiety that i'll look at in more detail later on.

but first i want to do some yoga tummy exercises.
the gym has all new equipment and the new stomach machines have big heavy straps that are too long AND hurt my bosoms!

a day for me...

got up early and went to the gym, then off to mexican food lunch with my daughter and the girls. was nice just hangin' out in covent garden doing absolutely nothing.
(but chips and salsa)

i ordered the book that the counsellor told me would be good and got it first class so it should arrive tuesday. also got the skinny bitch vegan cookbook as i'm trying to be more healthy and change my ways...get away from all the tofu take aways i am living on now i'm on my own.

so we went.

and i really think i need to start logging things better.
but not in some wierd bridget jones kinda way, just somewhere to put thoughts down and track how this relationship therapy stuff goes...

...mostly because i'm not really sure how it went today.
80% of the session seemed to be about the fiance and being layed off and how he's dealing with it, but then the last 10 minutes was about me and the way i had dealt with him withdrawing from me...of course she pinpointed that i must have really low self esteem (not that that was a surprise) as anyone else would probably have just got on with their lives.

unfortunately afterwards and over very expensive martinis at the long bar, the fiance took offence to this. i really don't know how he is angry with me for what our therapist says in the session, but he also got a bit pissed off that i'd brought up stuff that i'd not discussed with him beforehand. not that i'm not allowed to - he was just surprised.

so i tried to talk to him about how the longer this goes on the more detached and independent i feel...and he took it as blackmail. i really really really can't win right now while he's in such a mood. just hopefully gettin more freelance work will help. because nothing i try to do is...

ugh!

so of course the community mental phone me up to make an assessment appointment and the 2nd question they ask (after do i read english) is if i'm in any other therapy. so i tell them that we are starting relationship therapy with relate tomoro and the community mental tell me then they can't help me as i'm already speaking to someone. ugh!!!

they told me to go back to my doc for another referral when i'm finished with relationship counselling. i told them that was the reason i needed it as i'm anxious because of my partner being layed off and so on and when that is sorted it will be too late. nurse said sorry and is sendin me some pamphlets.
like i couldn't find out all the same crap on the interweb.

bookings...

tattoos and relationship therapy, but not at the same time.

still waiting...

well its been a few days and not heard anything from the community mental, so am going to call my work insurance company and see if they will cover outpatient therapy. the booklet says they cover inpatient - as much as i'd like the vacation i don't think that is really what i need right now though. so will call then see if the doc will refer me private. love the nhs but sometimes there are just too many hoops to have to jump through!

am also looking at the relate website alot too, the fiance has mentioned that he thinks we should go to counselling to try and get through this together. i've found someone close by my house that has saturday as well as evening appointments so will see about getting a session with her. have also looked at all the books that are on their site to buy but i'm not at work for a few days so will order them when i can get them delivered...and fingers crossed next week i might not be needing the books anyway!

well i've never done it before...

but i finally asked for some help to deal with the fiance situation.
the more he withdraws from me the more anxious i get...so i went to the doctor for some prozac and someone to talk with. i'd expected just a photocopied sheet of paper of groups or something that i'd probably not be able to go to anyway because they all happen during the workday
(evidently only people without jobs go whacko...)

but my doctor really came through this time and referred me to the community mental health nurse for a few sessions to help figure out who i can go talk with.

phew, now i just have to wait for them to get back to me!

24 years ago today i had a fresh c-section scar!

i can't say that it has all been happy days again this week. my life is still so up/down that i don't know what to do about it anymore...so just sitting tight and waiting it out, but it's so hard knowing that the fiance is having such a hard time and his way of dealing with it is to withdraw away.

but, tonight is my daughter's 24th birthday so i'm sure there will be lots of celebrating...also because she's just moving into her new studio flat today! so birthday and housewarming.

her new flat is down shoreditch, so not too far from where i work or hang out.

so today i'm really torn, as its my daughter's birthday and we definitely want to celebrate (can't wait for some cupcake goodness) but my fiance is also my life and my best friend and everything else and we've shared everything 100% so its sooo hard to do anything without him there.

o dear please don't read that as some weird whatever condition where you go psycho for the other person! i just love him to bits, that is all.

okay, enough of cherie sharing time today - i've got new lovely mirrored furniture for one of the bedrooms being delivered today so think i'll also buy myself a new glass lamp. ironic though as i'd bought this furniture for the spare room so isis would have somewhere to store her things, and it gets delivered the day she moves out into her own new flat (that's already furnished). so maybe i'll just put it in my room for now to try and cheer myself up!

o o o good news!!! my friend lucy just txt'd and she had her little baby on the 5th. he's such a cutie. sounds like it was a horrid 72 hour labour so hope she is okay...i better get crocheting.

its hitting here now.

that was surreal for sure...

the fiance's job thing is bad (but i think its for the best) and he's officially out looking now - so if anyone has any digi-wigi-doo-dah head of production type jobs please let us know!

and as well as losing his job his house was also broken into the same day, they say bad luck comes in threes so i think that is it for him for awhile.

well, fingers crossed!

o dear

i really my have jinxed myself using my supposedly new name for my new email address.

fingers crossed we can get through this!