everything so up and down

my weight/my life

i gained over a kilo yesterday but lost it again today...strange!

things with the fiance still the same too - but we are going to hang out on good friday and talk and stuff...i'd like to make a nice meal but not sure what to cook...any suggestions?

april goo...

finally seem to be getting my first post-depo (birth control shot) period. and it doesn't feel right or like any of the other periods i've ever had...for one thing this bleeding is dark dark almost black, and chunky like a chocolate brownie. but with cramps that are alot less painful than any i've ever had in my life, ever. strange. so maybe it is my time...my little sister is 3 years younger and already complaining of menopausal symptoms - so guess it should be happening to me too as well? not sure how this works with siblings - but my daughter just came round and she was on her period too so that means we must have synched when we stayed together in paris last week.

o paris...i so miss it already! can't wait to go back. but i also want to do a tour of bakc home to see everyone - i'm gettin really soppy and homesick in my old age. yes. old age. my birthday came and went. celebrated it with new work friends and soho family. was really nice and small and chilled. then, went to dinner with the fiance...who things are still up and down with...altho at least now when things are down we are at least still communicating so i don't feel so lost.

so time i would usually spend with him, i am filling with as many things as possible - spent ages at the gym today working out to my new routine - my weights still going up and down, fluctuating a couple kilos a day...probably something to do with the period stuff.

also still using my time to craft, and made a really cute 12 pointed star out of sock wool this week. i've also joined a stitcher's book club and have downloaded an audio book to listen to while i crochet...am really looking forward to going to be early tonight so i can listen to it. the book we are doing is 'water for elephants'.

and of course housework is taking up the usual hours!
dishes, bills, and laundry - the sunday mantra...

today is the first day...

this blog, as well as trying to track my weight (still 87.1 last time i weighted myself before paris) is going to also have to be my happiness project type blog - because i really got to do it NOW. i've really been struggling, but didn't realise that my not coping was impacting my work so badly...so badly that it's pretty much been a warning. so i need to take these few days off to really sort my self out = and where better than to start with the lovely gretchen's happiness project tips - so here we go...

1. Remind yourself, “It could be worse.”
yes it could - i have a lovely daughter to share my life with no matter what happens with my fiance

2. Remember your body.
i look forward to getting to the gym tomoro, then hoping to get a pedicure and a facial

3, for some reason there is no three on her list...
so my number 3 could be - keep crafting!

4. Do something fun.
well i went to a knitroast today and then watch the big lebowski.
for tomoro - see number 2 above!


5. Take action.
guess that is kinda what i'm doing by putting this all down...

6. Look for meaning.
i really don't see anything that would be positive out of the problems with the fiance or the job - other than maybe trying this relationship therapy will help me be a better all round person?

7. Spend time with friends and family.
i'm bad about being alone...so tomoro will try and see friends to help snap me out of this. also today i realised that a knitroast friend is a very close neighbour so i am hoping to be able to spend more time with her as we have many of the same interests and go to alot of the same places already.

8. Make something better.
as well as all the pampering the next couple of days - i'm going to try to get round to some paperwork that needs doing and also invest in a new shredder that even shreds dvd's!

9. Act toward other people the way you wish they’d act toward you.
this is something i really need to work on. with the fiance - all i can think to do is keep telling him that i love him and miss him. at the office though it will be hard - i have a lot to sort out with people that i've not been treating very well. so that has to start on wednesday (my birthday) when i'm back in...and in the meantime i'm going to take alot of stuff to charity shops to make room to de-clutter.

stop...in the name of love

this has to stop.
i'm eating myself to death...ugh!
because of the art project i weighed myself and am 87.1 kilos!
which means i've gained ALOT since all this has started going on with the fiance.
so today's menu is coffee with soya milk, and tofu and salad for lunch and dinner...well fingers crossed as am meeting up with my friend luckygirl13 for lunch as she's over here visiting from dublin.

still not talked to the fiance.
don't know if this is finally it or not.

ugh.

i really don't know if i can take much more...

food glorious food

i've gone from hardly eating anything at - first from stress then from tummy fluey something, but now i'm feeling the urge to stress eat from depression and anxiety and fear...so i've tried to figure out my 'safe' food - something that i've worked on previously with hypnosos - only then i still at fish all the time so it was a fishy safe food, and now with the yucky belly i've not been very adventurous - and chosen rice. yup, rice. rice made with vegan broth so at least it has a bit of taste...

made some last night and plan to keep some always on the hob so if i feel like binging at least it'll be there...altho this may all be quite moot as i'm going to be taking part in my friend/colleague anders latest art project by charting my weight for 13 days onto a music scale and then having it played by an orchestra and turned into a cellphone ringtone!

so last big meal tonight - as tis english mothers day and my daughter is coming over to make me a big thai dinner when she is finished filming today...

still so bad again.

another week, another weekend...and another relationship session that seems to have made everything worse. he just seems to take what he wants from the therapy and hell with my feelings but somehow he's feeling justified by the discussions. i don't get it...it's so bad again that he's said that he doesn't want to be with me - and this is after both the therapist and my fiance assured me in the session today that it's not futile because we really want to sort things out and be together.

i really cannot handle this amount of stress...my head is exploding!